Big Apple Chapel is a New Testament based church in New York City, modeled after the pattern of the early church, with a strong emphasis on following Christ as a community of His disciples.

  • Sunday - 10:30 am
  • 520 8th Ave, 16th floor
    New York, NY
  • phone: +1 (973) 837-1041


BAC Sermons

7 Relationship Principles: #1=Enhance Love Maps



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NEG: Harshness; Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness. Stonewalling; Flooding; Short-Circuit; Reject Repair; Rewrite History

I. Know their: dreams, hopes, interests, fears, (emotional) needs, trials, triumphs/failures, preferences

1Jn 1:3 what we have seen & heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; & truly our fellowship is with Father & His Son Jesus

TOYL Bad: To get my needs for ___________ (stimulation, fun, security, fulfillment, companionship, etc.) met through/by others. BETTER: To develop intimate, transparent, and accountable relationships  which stimulate Christlikeness

Q1. What should be one’s goal in relationships?  Should it be the same for introverts and extroverts?  Why is intimacy difficult?

II. Barriers to Being Known      Lack of Transparency: Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?  …Hiding/Hurling

A. Fear of Rejection from low Self-Esteem/Sin; Fear of Betrayal/Hurt (no trust)

If we’re not getting worth and value from God, we devalue ourselves (compensate with inferiority or faux superiority); We reject

False Beliefs;  Parental tapes/models/experiences; Mr 1:11…You are my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. 9:7

Q2. Is God generally pleased or displeased with me? What have I done or am doing that delights Him? What should I stop/start? 2Cor 9:8

B. Fear of Discovery: Sin; Hiding (guilt); Dishonesty             Life behind a mask at a masquerade ball vs mountain climbing

1Jn 1:7 if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, & the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin
Jn 3:19  "And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20  "For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.

Immaturity; Irresponsibility; Unfaithfulness; Distance due to Bitterness/Resentment/Lack of Forgivenessl  False Beliefs

Q3. What are some of the advantages of being transparent? What do we lose by hiding or hypocrisy? How can one develop courage to change?

III. Barriers to knowing:

A. Self-centeredness Selfishness/Pride;   Enough about me; How about you? Why don’t you talk about me?
Sign of not getting worth and value from God, so we need to try to get it from others

B. No Self-control; Reactivity/Rejection; Talkativeness; Control issues, Trustworthiness; Busyness, Poor Priorities; False Beliefs

Q4. How do you filter what should or shouldn’t be shared in a relationship? Where’s the gossip line? What about “confidences”?


IV. In order to be friends with each other:[Gottman: Calm self; Non-defensive; Empathetic Validation]

A. First be a Friend of God…

1. Obedience sets hearts in same direction Jn 15:14 You are my friends, if you do whatever I command you.
2. Needs met on the infinite level.  “The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it.” - Emerson 1803-1882
3. Insights can be garnered from and compared against His Truth [cx False Beliefs]
4. You become a person of worth 2Ch 20:? Isa 41:8; Jas 2:23 scripture was fulfilled which says, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed to him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.
5. Character becomes more loveable  Pr 22:11 He that loves pureness of heart, for the grace of his lips the king shall be his friend.
6. Resources for rocky times in the relationship
7. We learn to love from a Master Jn 13:35 By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. Jn 15:13

Q5. Why do so few people choose to be a friend of God? What makes each of Gottman’s strategies difficult? How can you better validate others?

B. Develop the Character/Skill Set Necessary for Developing Good Friendships: See TOYL Biblical Friendship Series
Free exchange of thoughts and lives (always governed by loyalty and love)   Repair, Maintenance and Cultivation
Investment in Each other and in a Common Cause   Empathy & Encouragement     Need Solving    Defend Life and Reputation

Q6. What can you do to develop more Biblical, Christ-pleasing and Christ-like relationships? How well do you know and are known?